I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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