Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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