You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
We had sex on a dog bed..
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
