Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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