you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
