Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
