you guys were way drunker than both of me
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize