6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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