I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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