Who wears a wallet chain?!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You pole danced in your parka.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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