I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
