I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
