Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
