i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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