i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
