Pregnant stripper...not hot.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
