I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
