Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
