everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
