I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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