You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
