1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
