party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
In America we eat man semen.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
