i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
