Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
