Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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