omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
