I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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