You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
