Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
