Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
