Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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