that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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