I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
