Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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