NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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