Where did you get a picture of my penis
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
