i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
