dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
