Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
