Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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