My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
