What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
