just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i was born a porn star she said
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
