Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
