I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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