We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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