hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
