Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
