look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Oh god it's open bar.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
