Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
