dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
where are my eyebrows?
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