If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
