sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
