i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize