I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
