Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
