turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
