The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
