it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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