You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
