so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
