I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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