Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
