Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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