She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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