based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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