FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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