Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
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